It’s been like three months since I’ve blogged. It’s been a while since I’ve seen many of my friends. It’s been a long time since I’ve been open and vulnerable. It’s just…it’s just been a while.
Life has been insane. I barely know where to begin.
I’ve been having a hard time writing lately. I don’t know. Words don’t come out like they used to. I’m not as inspired as I used to be. I have some ideas (ish?) but can never execute them. It’s incredibly frustrating. I think I’m mostly just burnt out. I graduate in 22 days and I have senioritis so bad that I’m writing this blog post to procrastinate on writing my sociology discussion board post. I’ve mostly just been trying to get by this semester. I’m trying to learn how to have a life outside of school. I’m learning how to be okay with getting B’s. I’m learning the beauty of giving up perfectionism in order to have a life and friends. It’s difficult, but it’s been rewarding. I’ve not really stressed about school at all this semester. I give myself time to do assignments. I remember that I don’t have to ace every exam and every assignment. I can just do well and that’s enough.
I’ve been getting ready for grad school. I’ve been accepted into a Masters program at my current university and today I made it official and accepted their offer as well as signed up for my classes. Although it wasn’t my first choice (or second or third….) I’m lucky I got in somewhere. It’s so surreal that I’m finally going to do what I’ve had my eyes on since high school. I’m going to be a psychologist. I’m going to be a doctor. I’ve done so much work for my field already; research, presentations, conferences, speaking engagements, meetings, tests, and classes. I’ve traveled all over the United States over the past year getting to visit schools and talk about my research. It’s been so exciting. I’m beginning to not feel like an imposter anymore. I know that’ll change once I step into my first graduate school class, but I’m enjoying the feeling now. I’ve put in so much. It’s rewarding.
Aside from school, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend. We recently hit our 9 month anniversary, which is crazy to me. It hasn’t been an easy 9 months, but its certainly been worth it. I won’t lie, it was hard to adjust to. It still is hard. This is my first relationship so I feel like I’m trying to play catch up. Like, I should know at least some of the basics of being in a relationship by now but I don’t. I’m learning how to live with another person in mind and not just myself. I’m learning how to put us as a unit above myself while simultaneously holding onto my independence and individuality. I’ve been learning how to love someone who’s different than me and how to make things work. I’m learning how to be open and vulnerable with someone and it’s difficult (
especially with men.) It’s hard work, but its worth it. I look back on a year ago when I was in a relationship that hurt me and realize how lucky I am. My boyfriend and I fight for sure, but I have never had to second guess how he feels about me and for that I’m thankful. We’re in love and its such a beautiful, beautiful thing. There were times in the past couple years where I really thought love wasn’t for me. This time, I’m glad I was wrong.
Lately I’ve also been traveling. I’ve been a ton of places in the last six months; California, Florida, Maryland, and Buffalo. I’ve gotten very familiar with airports. Turbulence doesn’t quite scare me so much anymore. I’m seeing parts of the world that I never thought I would get to see. For the first time in my life I’m thinking of international travel. I used to be so much of a homebody. I like my own space. My city. My neighborhood. I never felt the intense need to leave it. I think too many people want so badly to leave and it just turned me off to it. But I think I really would like to now. Not permanently, but I want to experience life outside of where I am. I love seeing the beauty that exists in the world. I love that time doesn’t seem to exist when I travel. I love feeling like I’m finally alive. It’s indescribable.
Lately, I’ve been trying to feel more at home in my new skin. The past couple years have been pretty revolutionary for me. I feel like I’ve had to completely “re-brand” myself. I’m not the same person I used to be. And while that’s amazing and great, it takes some getting used to. Sometimes I wonder if people noticed, if they’re worried, or if they really have no idea what’s been going on with me. For any of those cases, it takes time. It has been scary to think that I need to re-introduce myself to half my friends. It’s scary that I’ve felt the need to be quiet about my changes. I’m trying to find my voice and be okay with the growth I’ve experienced. Internally I’m so thankful; but there is a part of me that is timid and afraid and wants validation from other people despite the fact that I know it won’t help me. But I’m slowly trying to hold onto the idea that not everyone will like me or approve of me and that’s perfectly okay. But then there is the part of me that wonders if I owe people any more pieces of my soul. There are so many things I want to write about and start controversy about and make waves about. Yet, at the same time, I don’t want that anymore. Arguing about feminism is more draining than anything; I’m tired of explaining why I think women should have basic human rights. Debating over theology makes me sick to my stomach now. I can’t bring myself to respond to Facebook comments anymore. I’ve been more interested in protecting my heart and not doing things to my body that put extra stress on her. I’m exhausted from pouring my heart out to the world only to have it trampled and shit on. I don’t owe people that.
That being said, I am still thinking. I have one post that’s been in my drafts for months that I haven’t found the courage to share yet. I’m waiting for the right time. I’m working with my old photography professor on a project that I’ve had swirling around in my head for a while. Today my thoughts are flowing well; I have the motivation to create and think and the inspiration to set my soul on fire. I want to do more. So no, I’m not giving up. I’m just taking my time. I’m figuring out what I want to do, what people want to read, and what would be beneficial for people to read. I’m trying to figure out how to make art again. Write fiction again. Write poems. Take photos. Write blogs. Sketch. Talk to people. Be vulnerable. Move out. Stop my anxiety. Stop my depression. Cope with lupus. Be myself unapologetically. And just live. I’m learning how to live again. Thanks for joining the ride and reading along.
(Side note: one of the things I’ve been up to is public speaking. Here is one of the amazing opportunities I got to have recently. I did a talk on pole dancing and disability. I’ll include it here so you can watch it/share it. It was an amazing time and I honestly thought I killed it, so I hope you watch and enjoy it!)