Today I turned 20. That’s so weird to me because sometimes I still swear I’m 16. This year I’m not really doing anything on my actual birthday and I’m content with that I think. Maybe that’s what happens when you become an adult. You become content to just go to school and work and drink coffee. Honestly, my life has been so hectic and full, in the best sense of those words, so just having a day with minimal obligations is quite freeing.
Yesterday was my last game day at Wrigley, which went by in a very bittersweet way. This summer has been the best one of my life; no exaggerations. I’ve found myself saying that a lot. Each thing I do is the best thing I’ve ever done, but so is everything else. I love that even though I cry a lot, my heart is filled with joy. My life hasn’t changed in the sense that my circumstances are any different, but my perspective has shifted dramatically. I still get triggered, but I handle it. I still get anxious, but I try to look past the moment. I still cry, but I know I won’t cry forever. Bad things still happen, but they don’t have an effect on the good things.
I have learned to live, and I think that’s really important.
I have had so many beautiful moments the past few months and I wish I could record every single one of them to remember them forever, but I couldn’t possibly keep up. I am so excited that I have found a life I am in love with. A life so beautiful I forget to take pictures and I forget to journal about it. I have fallen in love with art again and seen so much of it lately and felt it in my chest again. I forgot how much I love those little things. I am sketching for the first time since middle school. I’m taking photos. I’m writing and creating worlds in my mind again. I have been stepping out of my comfort zone lately; acting more like who I want to be and less like who I used to be. I am actively moving forward.
I loved getting to go downtown and take pictures of my brother propose to his girlfriend. I loved seeing an art expedition with my best guy friend. I love all the great music I’ve been listening to. I love watching the Cubs play and actually do well. I love watching movies and reading books and spending time with people I care about. I love buying cute mugs and watching sunsets. So far, I love being 20. I’m not sure if you understand what its like to constantly live in fear, but I do, and now I’m free from that. It’s incredible. So much has changed for me and I couldn’t be happier.
It gets better you guys. I promise.