“I’m sorry I’m not the hero you wanted me to be.”
“You’re exactly the hero I wanted you to be.”
-Jessica and Trish, Jessica Jones.
I want to start off by saying I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I’m not the big hero everyone wanted me to be. Don’t tell me I’m wrong, because I know full well how true it is. I will never be the Christian people expect me to be. I have tried and failed many times to live up to the expectations of others. I have tried to be the “cool Christian,” as my pastor says it. But I fall short every gosh darn time.
If you read my blog to hear about a girl who overcomes, a girl who is constantly living in faith, a girl who fearlessly and boldly follows the Lord, then you’re following the wrong blog.
I’m not the Christian who has it all together, even through bad times. I’m a mess, actually. I’ve suffered. I still suffer. I would like to say that I obeyed when God said in the bible to not be afraid, but I am petrified. Even when the bible says “do not be afraid” 365 times. Here I am. Afraid. Battling fear every day of my existence. It’s almost like who I am.
Besides all that, I feel like a failure a lot of the times because I can’t keep my crap together. I’m far too sassy. I pretend to not give a crap about anything because deep inside I care too much and it hurts too much for me to admit. I’m selfish. Conceited. Annoying. I overthink everything. I have such a rebellious attitude. I have struggled with so much; fear, anxiety, depression, insecurities, overthinking, self hate; the list goes on forever. I’m not proud of it. Not one bit. Every day I wake up and tell myself it’ll be different, yet I find myself falling into the same stupid sins over and over again. Every time I go to church I have to face these things I hate about myself. I compare myself to all the other Christians in my life who have it all together. They’re not afraid of anything. They know how to study their bibles and they understand theology. I can’t even explain how I know God is real. I’m surrounded by so many people who know what they’re doing. I feel like I’m failing in my ministry because oftentimes I feel like one of the kids I’m trying to minister too.
I feel isolated a lot. I isolate myself a lot. I can’t help but feel like people in the church look down on me as below them. They look at me, shaking their heads and say “There’s Faith. Running her mouth again.” And “There’s Faith having to leave group early because she’s having a panic attack for this fifth time this month.” I know they probably don’t even think that, but really, it’s just another example of how I overthink. I know they think I’m scared because I don’t have enough faith; and if I just dealt with the problem, I would be fine. And if they only knew. If they only saw how hard I’m trying. How hard I’m praying. How hard I’m seeking God in everything I do and with all that I am. But I think all everyone ever sees is the weird chick with the black Converse, the nose ring, the teal hair. They see the girl who yells at her siblings too much. The girl who writes blog posts “bashing the church.” The girl who gives Christians a bad rep. The girl who no one wants to be like.
And I hate myself for it.
I wish I was brave like you guys. I wish I had flawless faith. I wish I was the hero you wanted me to be. I tell you this because I never want to be fake. I may be a lot of bad things, but fake isn’t one of them. I want to be real.
Because the truth is I can’t be the person you want me to be; but yesterday I realized something. I’m the person God wants me to be. Somehow I keep having this revelation time and time again. It seems new to me each time too.
It’s true that God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear, but He can still work in me around that. Yes, God did not make me angry and sarcastic and bratty; but He wants me anyway. He wants all that I am. He doesn’t want me to clean up my act and then give Him everything; He wants all of me right now. And yesterday Him and I talked about it. I told him all I’ve ever wanted was to please Him and to lead people to Him and that I was sorry I couldn’t do that because I wasn’t “together” enough. I just wanted to be a hero and to touch lives; I didn’t want all this. I think He laughed at me. He said “What do you mean? You’re exactly the hero I wanted you to be.”
I thought of the people of the bible. Elijah: suicidal. Jonah: runs away from God. Moses: killer and excuse maker. Rahab: prostitute. Paul: killed Christians for sport. Nicodemus: doubter. Peter: denied Jesus 3 times. Jeremiah: depressed.
So yes. I’m not the perfect Christian. I have such bad fear issues they sometimes cripple me for weeks on end; but God wants to use me. And you know what? I think He can. He can use me in my fear; not just despite of them, but actually through them. He chose Moses for a public speaking job even though he stuttered. He can certainly use me despite, well, me generally being a sucky person. Despite everything I’m being told, I think He can use my fear for His glory. He didn’t cause it but God can create something beautiful from it. He doesn’t need me to pretend to be perfect; He wants me to be authentic. I have always listened more to authentic and real people; not people who have it all together. Maybe that’s just me. But I don’t think God wants me to be “cool.” He wants me to be me. And that doesn’t mean I’m content in my sin; I am actively trying to change. I am striving for more. I will never give up my battle against fear. But I don’t have to slay my demons before I can be a light to others. God wants to use me right now. I’m giving Him all I have; and right now, all I have is my fear, my anxiety, my doubt, my insecurities, and my broken heart. That’s me. And now that belongs to the Lord.
Even in my doubt though, my love for God has remained; and more importantly, His love for me has been steady. I realized that He loves me just as much when I’m screwing up as He does when I’m in His will. That’s so beautiful. So I’m not the Christian who’s perfect and fearless; I’m the Christian who is broken and is a mess and has fear issues, and I am the Christian who is fiercely adored by her Creator despite it all.
I guess I just needed to say that. Sorry it was long. But if you take anything from this, just know that you don’t have to be perfect, okay? God wants you now, not later what things are fine.
Oh, and most importantly, God loves you; whether you’re doing good or not. Don’t let your anyone tell you otherwise.
“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit. A broken and contrite heart, You, God, will not despise.”-Psalm 51:17