Beautiful

   Let me get you in on a little secret. 
   I’ve always been very insecure about how I look.
   Okay, so maybe not always. Ever since 8th grade I would say. I was always super skinny and then suddenly I wasn’t, and people made comments even though it was normal and healthy. I had a hard time with it for a while. As a perfectionist, it’s hard to accept when you’re not what you consider to be “perfect.” Once I got sick, it was even harder to accept myself and my new limitations. I couldn’t exercise as much as I was used to, so along with comparing myself to every other girl around me, I would also compare who I was to who I used to be. Plus, the medication I was on for a while made my face really chubby and gave me bad acne. I knew people wouldn’t understand it wasn’t my fault and it made me really self conscious.
   On top of that, I used to be very shy. If you think I’m shy now, you don’t know anything. I mean, I literally wouldn’t talk. There were times I just didn’t have anything to say, but when I was quiet I would be constantly beating myself up for not speaking. Plus I got nonstop crap from other people about how quiet I was. As if the worst thing int he world would be to not speak. I always felt that if I talked, I would sound stupid or say the wrong thing.

   Once upon a time I was an insecure mess. I cared way too much about what people thought of me and I held myself up to impossible standards. I compared myself to everyone around me. A lot of my insecurities came from a boy who broke my heart and left me to wonder why I wasn’t good enough. Some came from my dad who spent years verbally abusing me. And really, a lot came from my perfectionist personality. But overall, it came from the fact that God had a purpose that was fulfilled even through the crappiest situations of my life. I am able to help and relate to people so much more now that I’ve experienced that.

I don’t know how it happened but I changed. Obviously it was by God’s grace because what happened for me was a miracle. I woke up and decided I didn’t like the way I was living. I decided that I wanted to fall in love with life. And I did.

   I remembered how much I love fitness and healthy eating and how beautiful it is to be confident. I realized that I always wanted to be that fun girl who wore whatever she wanted and danced and laughed like a crazy women; and I would always says “Next year, I’ll be her.” And finally I said “This year.”

   It took God breaking me for me to come to the point where I could be okay with who I was. And sometimes, I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all. Sometimes I still feel anxious at parties, sometimes I still feel uncomfortable in shirts or dresses, sometimes I wish I could be someone else. That’s okay. When that does happen, I just tell myself I’m okay and I will be okay. I know that the feeling will pass and I can get through it. 

   Now I find myself belting out songs at random, even though I used to never sing in front of people. If Mr. Brightsides comes on the radio you can bet I’ll go in full 80’s Music Video Mode. I don’t care that I sometimes I scream during worship at church because I realized that that’s how I worship and singing to my God is more important than how others see me. Now I’m not afraid to walk around in my Chewbacca onesie because I stopped caring about who thought I was weird. Maybe its not that noticeable to the people around me, and that’s okay. I still get crap for being introverted and quiet, but that’s only from ignorant people who don’t know the fight I’ve endured to become who I am today.
   You can do it too. I wish I could give you that exact recipe to finding yourself, but there isn’t one. It looks different for everyone. But it’s worth it. I know sometimes it feels like you’ll be broken forever, but that’s only true if you make it. You don’t have to be miserable. I know you’re going to feel stuck and I know it seems so cliche and stupid; I never thought I would be writing a blog post as cheesy sounding as this one, trust me. But really, it’s true. You are so beautiful, and some day you’re going to believe me when I say that.
   So, I guess that’s the short version. I have wanted to share that for a while but really, I’ve had no inspiration and honestly those thoughts didn’t come out the way I wanted them to but there they are. Maybe in the future I’ll discuss more in detail, because a million other topics stem from that one but really, this is the basics.
   You are beautiful.

   Not because of your size or how many likes your get on a selfie or the amount of times a day you get called beautiful. Being yourself and laughing and being confident, that’s beautiful. You’re beautiful because of your identity in Christ. Stop your intrusive thoughts when they come and counter them with truth. I have found that repeating “It’s okay” to myself helps, although I can’t tell you exactly why. Accept yourself. Flaws and all. 
   I love you, gorgeous. Stay strong.

   Also, I figured it was time you guys saw my face. So when I redesigned my blog, I added that picture. And now….well, here. Enjoy some shameless photos of me. I love you all. Seriously, you guys are stunning.

Published by faithmariephoto

follower of Jesus. Artist. Feminist. Life enthusiast.

10 thoughts on “Beautiful

  1. You are so pretty (I'm serious!) And yes, I totally get how you feel. Sometimes, I would feel so insecure and constantly compare myself to my friends. I spent hours practicing posing in front of the mirror so I could perfect my best side/pose. I would only wear clothes that fit me perfectly and that flatter my body type. I hated wearing the same outfit more than twice a month because I felt people will notice and think I'm gross or something (weird, ikr…).Your post really inspired me and reminded that I don't have to care what others think! Only God's \”opinion\” matters.Keep blogging, lovely!~Ashapieceofmysky.blogspot.com

    Like

  2. I completely remember the days when I would beat myself up for not speaking, and now I can't even remember why I wouldn't just talk. I guess that shows I've somewhat found myself as well, but I don't feel like I have. I still feel like an indistinguishable mess. I hope I become explicitly happy with myself one day as you seem to be.-MThe Life of Little Me

    Like

  3. I really can relate with this blog post. Same with what you have mentioned, I'm shy and I'm so self-conscious. I never liked my height and my facial profile. But I'm starting to accept these flaws and I'm starting to get myself out there even more. :-)http://snapsnpixels.blogspot.com/

    Like

  4. This made me so happy to read! I'm so glad you're becoming more confident in you without letting others' expectations stop you! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3~Jamie

    Like

  5. That onesie is hilarious! I love it. And this post was so encouraging. I'm a perfectionist, too and struggle with body image A LOT. A lot, a lot, sister. But I love that you shared this and God used it to encourage me and I thought that was cool. Also, your joy and confidence shine through these photos in your smile! Love it.

    Like

  6. ❤ I basically love you so much. and I needed to hear this today. being sick and wanting to be that illusive perfect girl is something that I've accepted as practically impossible…and I'm becoming okay with that. Some days are harder than others, but as long as I keep my eyes on the true image of perfection, I know I'm going to be okay. also, you love Mr. Brightsides. We were meant to be friends. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ and you're frickin' beautiful.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: