These past few years have been crazy, right? We’ve both been through so much. Together, and as individuals. You know as well as anyone that I have never been one for speaking, and that I do better talking in writing. I just wanted to write you one more letter as a letter of closure. I want it to be public, because I want people to learn from it. Because if someone can learn from my pain, it would have all been worth it.
Its so complicated really; I feel like if you were to tell our story, it would be a lot different than mine. Maybe because you never cared about me the way I cared about you. There were times I would venture to think that I might even love you. But the feeling wasn’t mutual. You broke my heart; you led me on, flirted, talked to me every day, earned my trust and affection, and then left me for another girl. In my experience, that’s how it always goes. I mean, just a year prior to that my dad had left my mom for another girl. The pain I went through wasn’t all attributed to you. But your actions did reopen old wounds.
I like to think that if we had met at a different time in my life, things would have worked out. When we became friends, I hadn’t quite recovered from my dad and his affair yet. I was struggling with my fear problems like never before, I had a ton of insecurities, and that just scratches the surface. Then when you left, everything got worse. I cried so many nights. I only listened to sad songs. I would walk around like I had been broken. Because really, I had been. You made me feel worthless. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. You made me compare myself to everyone. You made me feel low. But maybe the worst feeling I felt during that time was anger. Not at you, but at God. I felt betrayed by Him because He had told me this was His will and then went back on His word. And if He couldn’t be trusted, then I was doomed.
They say that time heals all wounds, and I can attest to that fact. When you broke my heart, it felt like something I could never recover from. You had been more than a crush to me, you had been my best friend. For a while I even thought I might love you. I didn’t know how I could ever love again. I began to fear love. All my life I had only ever experienced heartbreak. It was all I ever thought I would experience. But over time I realized that wasn’t true.
These past few weeks I’ve been thinking over one question.
Do I still like you?
That’s the question of the hour. See, I’ve wanted to say no. Someone told me you were on a date the other day, and when they asked how I felt about it, I was shocked when I was able to say I was happy. It was weird. But it made sense. You were happy because you were with someone you care about, she was happy because she got the guy, and I’m happy because you’re happy and because I realized that my happiness has nothing to do with you. It took a long time to be able to say that, but I can now. So no. I don’t think I like you anymore.
I had been so afraid to say that for so long. Because what was the point of liking you for so long, just to throw it away? But today, looking back on it all, it was so worth it.
I wanted to write you this letter to say thank you. We went through a lot together. Thank you for showing me how brave I was, because I wouldn’t have known it without you. You saw more in me than I saw in myself. As a friend, you were dedicated. You were always there for me, loyal, and wise. Even when I hurt you, you never ceased to be there for me. You helped me through so much and you taught me more about God than you’ll ever know. I find myself quoting you often; word for word or simply lessons you taught me. I have never found someone quite like you, and I doubt that I ever will. It breaks my heart to know how little you see in yourself. But you looked at me, a shy, scared girl, and you told her she was brave and strong and that she was a leader.
But perhaps the most important lesson I learned came from you leaving. So thank you for breaking my heart. I wouldn’t be the young woman I am now had I not gone through that. I had to be broken in order to understand healing. Thank you for the months you never spoke to me; it was during those times that I grew as an individual. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I don’t need another human in order to be happy. I found that I used to be very self conscious of what other people thought of me, but it was after you left that I realized I don’t need to be. See, in our friendship you showed me I was beautiful and courageous and had potential; and in your absence you showed me that even when I was alone, those traits remained true.
I know you didn’t really “leave.” You simply found someone else. I wanted to tell you that I sincerely hope the best for you. When I said I would pray for you two, I meant it. I also realized that I do love you. But not in the stupid pop culture/romance novel kind of way. But in the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way. All throughout the past year, God has been showing me how to love. Love is patient. Kind. It isn’t arrogant. It doesn’t envy. Isn’t jealous. It keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn’t delight in evil, but delights in truth. There’s more, but one last thing I learned about love, is that “love is wanting the best for someone, even if you end up left out.” A lot of people would disagree about many of these things, but I know these to be true, because they are things God revealed to me, through scripture as well as among other things.
So there it is. How weird would it be if somehow you end up actually reading this? To be honest that would be awkward. But now, I don’t worry so much about how others view me. You love who you love, you tell them, and you don’t worry about their response.
I’m glad you’re back to simply being my friend. I hope you enjoy your life and that you fall in love and that she loves you right back. Don’t you worry about me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Somewhere in the world, my future husband is breathing, his heart is beating, and our future is waiting. I don’t have to wonder anymore about him, because I trust God’s got that all sorted out. I’m just going to keep living and cherishing every moment. You do the same. Life is too short to spend it worrying.
One last thing. Remember how I said I felt like God had betrayed me? That He had gone back on His word? That bothered me for a long time. And I finally figured it out. I know why He did it.
Because God can do whatever the frick He wants. “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21)
Thank you for everything. Although our time together was short, and heck, we were never even “together,” I am so thankful for our little infinity. I love you.