I always knew life would be hard. I knew there was a real enemy and I knew he would attack me if I became a threat. But I didn’t know my journey of faith would be like Frodo’s mission to Mordor. I had no idea that I would have to carry a burden or that it would whisper things to me, or that I would have my own Gollum that followed me around. Maybe I should have expected that, but I was silly, and I didn’t. Everyone always talks about how great God is and how powerful He is, but have we considered that the enemy is also very powerful? I mean there’s us, and then there’s the devil, and then God. In that order. One of my favorite authors, Ted Dekker, writes in his book The Slumber Of Christianity “We Christian writers must paint evil with the blackest of brushes, not to sow fear, but to call out the monsters to be scattered by our light. If Satan cloaks himself as an angel of white, intent on deceiving the world, any attempt on our parts to minimize evil is only complicit with his strategy… Turn to the light; don’t fear the shadows it creates.” I think a lot of us are unaware of how dark the dark really is. If you catch my drift.
With that being said, I had a breakdown at church on Sunday. I was really getting upset that having panic attacks at church were becoming a norm for me, with this being my second one in a course of 3 weeks. The first time it happened I felt so embarrassed; and I felt the same way this time, but apparently know one else saw. I had to run out in the middle of Sunday school and I stood in the stairway panicking by myself. It wasn’t my proudest moment. But as much as I hate it, I think being triggered at church will become a thing that happens often. Why? Because the enemy doesn’t want me to grow. Have you ever had your place of comfort transformed into a danger zone? I have. And it sucks. My life is getting hard, and I doubt it’ll get any easier. I’ll just get stronger. I feel attacked. Fear is hitting way worse than ever before, and I haven’t yet figured out a way to stop it. Last night though, I gotta give a round of applause to my best friend for Skyping me until 2am because I was afraid of being alone.
This wasn’t supposed to be a long post; in fact, it was supposed to be random. Sorry. Well, that’s the long version of why I’ve locked myself in my room all day and read books and watched TV. I just needed to keep my mind occupied from fear and overthinking. It was a good day. I hope I can be more productive tomorrow. The great thing about being sad though, is it produces some really amazing photography! So I’ve got some stuff to share with you from today and the past few weeks. And random quotes.
“The arrogant have forged a lie against me; with all my heart I will observe Your precepts….It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.”-Psalm 119:69, 71. (I feel this right now…yes.)
“They have persecuted me with a lie; help!”-Psalm 119:86
“Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.”