I was always a really odd kid. I was so over dramatic! But after re-reading my journal from when I was 10, I realized I was way more over dramatic then I had originally thought. But I also realized something else. I pointed this out in my post from my all Star Wars blog, but as I read through the pages full of random stupidity and over dramaticness I saw how God began changing me to make me to be who I am today.
Though in reality the things I ranted about were stupid, but God used them. They were things that were important to me as a little nine year old girl that seemed like huge mountains (but were more like ant hills) that God used.
“Jacen is evil!”
“No! He’s awesome!”
“But he kills people and he betrayed his whole family!”
“But he can still change back!”
“No! He’s lost his mind! He’s psycho!”
These are the almost daily arguments I had with my older brother. (Guess which side I was on.) I can see that I’ve always had a place in my heart for the bad guys. Because thinking about my favorite characters from everything…they’re all bad guys. Why have I always been so drawn to the evil characters? That question will be revealed throughout this post. But first I want to show you the way in which God used Star Wars to help me grasp concepts I struggled with. He showed me truths about Him at my level. In the Bible Jesus always used parables. That was Him telling the people truths in a way they could grasp it. He used visuals they understood. God did that for me. Because I wasn’t grasping the concepts in AWANA or church. Sure, I was arrogant. But maybe I just couldn’t connect with them on that level. But here is a sample of a journal entry I wrote after an argument with my brother about Jacen Solo.
“Ever since I opened the book Lightsabers, it just felt so real! I started getting closer to God! I want to tell the world everything I learned about God. I really feel God calling me to finish my project to tell people about God through Star Wars. I feel God really calling me to tell the world about God’s unchanging love.”
“The project” I was referring to was how I tried to find God in everything I read and find bible verses to back it up. This is something I still do today, though it comes naturally to me now. If I see something, I just make it about God. Its how I’m wired. After reading that journal entry I realized how He was working and placing things in my life at certain times.
More of my journal reveals dreams and callings I’ve had to reach out to broken people. “The bad guys” of society. I remember seeing people labeled “goths” or “freaks” by others and feelings stirred inside me. I wanted to help them. But I wasn’t sure why. My dad always criticized people of those sorts and I couldn’t help but ponder why. He once told me that people dress the way they do because it shows what they feel. I wrote in my journal about the subject saying “If they feel alone and hurt, how come no one is doing anything about it!!!! So I want to use my whole life to help people get to know God.”
That seems really deep for a 10 year old.
But that was something God places on my heart. Not much has changed in that aspect. I’m still trying to live my life for Him and to shine His light by reaching out to broken people. I still have that same fire yet more I’m more mature. Reading that has really been crazy for me. I wasn’t expecting to read something so deep. God has had His hand on me since I was 9. All that was written a year after I got saved.
Well, that’s some crazy stuff right there.